


Reckless Abandon

by freebirddean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 09:20:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freebirddean/pseuds/freebirddean
Summary: Millie Winchester is the oldest child of John Winchester. The only woman left in the family, who takes care of all the boys, being more a mom to Sam and Dean than a big sister.





	1. Chapter 1

Then:

The baby was handed over to her younger brother. The four year old clung to Sammy and ran from the house as fast as his little legs could take him. The six year old girl with little blonde curls like her mother was clinging tightly to her daddy’s hand. She tugged and pulled as tears ran down her face, trying as hard as she could to make the man come with her. She wasn’t sure what was going on but it was enough to know that they needed to get out of the house. Her mommy was gone, there was no way to save her and the tiny girl knew that. As much as it hurt to let Mary go, little Millie didn’t want to lose her daddy either. Her brothers were safe, she knew that but she wasn’t leaving this house without John. 

Finally, the heat became too much, the fire engulfing Sammy’s room until it was enough to drive John from his position. He scooped up his daughter and ran from the house where she had spent her entire life. She clung to his neck, looking over his shoulder as their life burnt to ashes. Things were never the same from that night on. The little girl wrapped her arms around her little brother, Dean who was still holding the tiny baby. She wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t crying, Dean was always a strong kid. He was only four and surely wouldn’t remember this night once he got older. She hoped he didn’t. She hoped that he didn’t see what she did, hoped that he would grow up a normal kid. She would do whatever it took to remind them everyday what their mother was like and how much she loved them. She would never be able to take Mary’s place but from that day forward she swore to be everything for her family.   
\----  
The life of an eight year old is supposed to be simple. They shouldn’t have any worries or cares, their parents holding their life and happiness in their hands. They go to school, make friends, do their homework, go on playdates. A normal eight year old is just meant to have fun and play, no responsibilities outside of their small household chores. Growing and learning, their days should be light and uncomplicated. 

Millie never had simple. Normal for her died with her mother back in Kansas. Ever since that day her life took on a drastic turn that no small child should have to take. No longer was she daddy’s little girl. Her dad was no longer the loving mechanic playing on the floor with her. He was never the same after losing his wife, love and softness overcome by cold hearted vengeance and rage. 

The Winchesters didn’t stay in one place for too long, getting uprooted every few days or weeks. John didn’t talk about what he was doing while the kids didn’t see him, but he put tiny Millie in charge of her two little brothers. She had to grow up and take the place of mommy at such a young age. At first, she asked her daddy why he had to leave them, why couldn’t they come with him, why did they have to stay with strangers? The more John denied her inquiries, the more he yelled and became angry with her incessant badgering, he less and less she asked until she just fell silent taking the orders she was given. 

Timid and submissive, her eight year old life wasn’t the easy carefree existence it was supposed to be. It was eight years old that she learned what her father had been doing since Lawrence. She learned what his new friends were and what they were helping him do. The mind of a child is open and pliable making the idea of vampires and demons easy to accept. Her daddy was a monster hunter and he trusted her to take care of her brothers. She was like his faithful sidekick and though it was a great burden to place upon a child’s shoulders, she graciously accepted it. If her daddy loved her enough to give her this job, then she would do it no questions asked, even though she worried about him. 

She held the secret for years, refusing to share this burden with her brothers. They were still too young, too weak of mind and heart to handle such a weight. She tried to make their lives as normal as possible, giving them as much of a family as she could manage. Playing with them, feeding them, going to school. Even if they stayed with John’s friends, Millie still took it upon herself to care for them. She never spoke up or complained, never back talked or questioned her duties. 

John would still call her daddy’s little girl and pat her on the head with a smile that never quite reached his eyes. But there were no more kisses and hugs, no more playtimes on the floor or princess videos on the couch. Instead, John passed out with a tumbler of whiskey or falling through the door and landing on the floor, bloody and beaten. But it didn’t stop her from cleaning him up as best she could before crawling up next to him and curling against his side. Her daddy was broken but he was a hero. Her daddy was a man rough around the edges, but he was still her daddy.   
\-----  
Once Dean started getting old enough to ask questions, John reacted differently to him. Millie had tried so hard to shield the boys from John and his extracurricular activities. But John had given in so easy, telling her little brother everything without argument or agitation. This was the first piercing through her thick armor, the first twinge of anger and bitterness toward her father.

She had made Dean swear not to tell Sam. If she couldn’t keep the middle child out of the life, she would do all she could to keep their baby brother out of it. It wasn’t long before John began to train Dean, teach him how to hunt. The boy was being taught to be a soldier, a warrior, learning so young how to carry a gun, weild a weapon. And another chip grew on Millie’s shoulder. Never once had John offered to teach he anything, to show her how to protect herself and her family. So whatever was taught to Dean, the boy turned around and taught his big sister.   
\---  
As Dean grew stronger and wiser, so did Millie. After a while, no matter how hard she tried though, Sammy learned the truth. Much to her dismay, it was the eldest boy that had to tell him. Sam had found dad’s journal and wouldn’t stop asking questions until Dean told him the truth. Millie couldn’t blame him, no one could deny those puppy dog eyes of his. She had held Sam that night, the boy in tears needing nothing more than his mothering older sisters. 

Now that both boys knew of the job, John began to take them with him more. Either way, Millie was either left to fend for herself at the motel or with Bobby or other friends. Even though she was just as capable and strong as her brothers, Dean assuring her she was even more so, and yet since she was daddy’s little girl, John kept her out of harm’s way, never even giving her a chance to prove herself. 

This put an even further wedge between her and John and eventually her and Dean. The younger boy had always be Dad’s little soldier, falling in line so easy, going with everything John ever said. Where Dean used to help Millie train, he started agreeing with their father and a once strong sibling bond was broken. The two spent their teenage years fighting and arguing, Dean refusing fall under authority anymore. Where Sam and Dean grew closer, Dean stepping up more to take care of his brother but this left Millie alone and useless.

She spent her time mostly reading, getting lost in music, training herself on the guitar or training her voice instead of training to fight. She helped Sam with his homework and cooked from time to time to hold onto her last shred of usefulness within in the Winchester family. She cleaned and patched up wounds, iced sprains and bruises, splint broken bones and sewed stitches. She was no longer the loving motherly young woman but instead became the maid, the nurse, the tutor, silently blending into the background until she was needed.   
\---  
Until one day, she could remain silent no longer. The tension between her and Dean finally grew to a boiling point, a bomb meant to go off at any moment. She could have left years ago, the nineteen year old more than able to take care of herself. But her love and loyalty to her ungrateful family had kept her there. She may have felt like nothing, less than family here, but this was all she knew. That particular Day, Dean had disrespected her, took her for granted for the last time. He claimed that he and Sam didn’t need her. He told her that she needed to stop babying Sam, needed to let him be a man. He informed her that he was glad that John started taking him out on hunts, then he didn’t have to be coddled and turned into a pussy like she was doing with Sam. 

That was what finally broke her. She didn’t cry, didn’t say a word. She just stared her taller brother down with such a hard weighted gaze that he could feel the chill. His confidence faltered as she brought her petite form to stand toe to toe with him. He was aware of what she could do, aware of the power she held that she could use against him. But she didn’t speak, just her lingering glare sink into his bones before she walked away. Grabbing her duffle, she began to pack. Dean didn’t try to stop her when she walked out the door and she didn’t look back to say goodbye before she got in her car and drove away.   
\---  
It didn’t take them long to go looking for her but she didn’t want to be found. She contacted them when she wanted to, a call here or there, mostly to Sam. The youngest informed her about how angry dad and Dean were, how hard they looked for you until they gave up, how much they all missed you. Everytime he talked to her he would ask her to come home and she would feel that pain in her chest, that longing to run back to them. But then she’d remember Dean’s words and remember that she wasn’t needed there anymore. So she would smile and simply say, “Not today, Samuel.” 

‘Not today’ turned into months and years, her time apart from her brothers bittersweet. She loved the life on her own, travelling, working, playing music, being the child she never got to be, letting go like the adult she was meant to be. But she missed her brothers. No matter how much she and Dean fought, he still meant the world to her. She wouldn’t be who she was today without him. And Sam was like her own child, having raised and taken care of him since he was six months old. The bond with them was enough to cause a deep ache in her heart that never truly went away. 

She was more than proud to hear that Sam had gotten into Stanford. But she was far from shocked when John wasn’t pleased about it. She had encouraged him, even helped him get out to California. Sam and Millie reunited for the first time in years on campus and she found herself genuinely smiling for the first time in a very long time. She and Sam became close, going to concerts, doing Sam’s homework, frequenting bars, just normal things two friends do. And it was wonderful. Her baby brother was her home and she was glad they both had escaped their father’s rule to live a normal life. While Sam studied, Millie actually got a job bartending even played some music on the side. The youngest Winchester even got himself a girlfriend. Everything was going great. That is until Dean showed up. 

Now: 

“Fuck no, Dean.” The ragged blonde haired woman stood within punching distance of her younger brother. A cigarette rested between her fingers and a fire burned in her hazel eyes. With her untied combat boots and her skinny jeans ripped at the knees, she looked like a mess which had everything to do with the fact that Dean had woken her up at 3 o'clock in the morning breaking into her apartment. Dean’s arms were crossed over his chest as he gave her an incredulous look. The Impala was parked behind him and she refused to even cast it a second glance. It didn’t surprise her that the old car was passed down to the eldest boy. It wasn’t like she was the oldest child of John Winchester or anything.

“I need /both/ of you Mills!” His shoulders lifted as his angry tone didn’t even seem to affect his big sister. “Dad’s missing! Don’t you give a damn??” At that, Millie’s head shot quickly in his direction. She quickly closed the gap between them to stand toe to toe with her little brother. She was a good head shorter than him, obviously not inheriting the Winchester height. 

She poked a sharp finger against his firm chest. “Don’t you dare. Don’t make me the bad guy here.” She fumed as she looked at the man who she still considered to be that bratty little teenager she remembered. “Sam’s got a good thing going here and I’m not about to let you fuck that all up by sucking him back into your life.”

“Then why don’t you just come with me?” Dean’s features had softened, a genuine request for his big sister to come with him. Millie’s brow wrinkled, almost considering it just by the desperate look in her brother’s eyes. Her mouth opened to protest but he quickly cut her off. “Don’t give me some piss poor excuse that you have something better to do with your weekend. You work at a bar where you make shit tips and play guitar one night a week.” She was shocked that he knew so much about her day to day life when they barely had contact over the past few years. 

She heaved a sigh and once again her mouth opened to respond but it was her other brother that cut her off this time. “Dean?” Sam’s voice was groggy as he came out into the hallway outside his apartment. “What are you doing here?”

“Lookin’ for a beer.” Dean answered with a cheeky grin in turn causing Millie to roll her eyes. Jessica came out next, wrapping her arms around Sam’s waist. Dean eyed her for a moment and before he could say anything, his sister slapped a hard hand against his chest with a stern glare. His lower lip pouted slightly as he rubbed his chest but he quickly found his friendly smile again. “Family meeting, Sammy. If you don’t mind, sweetheart.” He addressed Jessica with a smile and the blonde turned to go back inside. 

“No.” Sam stated firmly, holding onto his girlfriend to keep her planted. “Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of her.” The other two siblings looked at each other before Dean looked at his little brother again. 

“Dad’s been gone for a few days.” Millie filled him in. Sam looked puzzled, this not being something new at all.

Catching his look, Dean continued. “Dad’s on a hunting trip. And he hasn’t been home in a few days.” 

Sam’s wide eyes made it obvious that it had finally clicked in his mind. “Jessica, you go on back to bed. I need to talk to my family.” It was that night, that the Winchester family reunited and their lives changed forever.


	2. Pilot

The last place Millie expected to end her day was in the muddy river at the bottom of a bridge. The water was cold and smelled awful but since the Impala had tried to murder her and her brother, this was where it took her. Dean had been driven off the edge so first instinct sent Millie in after him. And yet he was the one dragging her back to the shore. Covered in mud and slime and soaked to the core, they looked up to see their baby brother looking over the edge down at them. “Super.” Dean exclaimed sarcastically up at Sam when asked if they were alright. She sneered up at Sam before rolling over to bring herself to her feet. She extended a hand to help Dean up before they trudged back up to the road. 

Once at the Impala, she stood before her brothers who leaned against the car. Her flannel shirt was stripped off and she was attempting to dry her blonde curls with it, turning it inside out to remove excess mud. “I am personally gonna kill that Constance bitch.” She grumbled, Sam’s eyes on her with a chuckle. “I am not afraid to smack you, Samuel.” 

The youngest snickered before looking between the two other siblings. His nose wrinkled. “You two smell like a toilet.” Earning a steer from both of the older Winchesters.

~

“I claim first shower!” Millie exclaimed once Sam got John’s room open. She didn’t even wait for Dean to contest before darting into the bathroom. The boys could look around while she tried to get clean of the muck. 

She paused when she heard the two of them talking. A small smile quirked the corner of her mouth. She hadn’t stopped to think how close they had become since she left. There was a small pang in her heart to think about it. Sure, she was close with Sam now but there was a time when she used to be that close to Dean as well. She had missed so much and she missed them. Though glad that they were making up from their fight at the bridge, she couldn’t help but feel hurt when they exchanged their terms of endearment for each other. 

She hadn’t realized a tear that streamed down her cheek and after cursing herself for such weakness, she finally got herself into the shower. After a while and a lot of brown water down the drain, she came out with a towel wrapped around her head and a clean outfit on. Dean quickly brushed past her with his bag to get his own shower. She laughed when he coughed into the steamed up room. 

“You better hope there is still hot water, Mills!” He called out before the door closed and the water started again. 

“I hope it’s ice cold.” She said to Sam with playful malice causing the youngest to chuckle. It was a nice sound to his sister’s ears and she smiled. Her hazel eyes sparkled before she pulled the towel from her hair. “It’s actually pretty cool to be back.” Her voice was almost sheepish as she sat on the edge of the bed. 

He gave her a soft smile before sitting down next to her and throwing an arm over her shoulders. She leaned into him with a smile, his head coming to rest against hers. “You know I have to be back by Monday.” 

She sighed but her head nodded against him before she sat up again. “I know.” A silence fell as her eyes watched her lap. “I might stay with Dean.” She could sense Sam’s frown as he removed his arm.

“That’s your choice. And Dean’s. But Jess and I will miss you.” It was her turn to frown but Sam bumped himself against her side with a crooked grin making it hard for her to hold the frown. “You better keep in touch, at least.” He added and she nodded with a toothy smile. 

“I doubt Dean would even want me around though.” Her brow furrowed and she heard Sam sigh. 

“I think he’ll surprise you.” The youngest commented before a loud ‘Son of a Bitch’ sounded from the bathroom. Both Winchesters broke out into a fit of laughter. “Guess you got your wish.” Sam added with a chortle. 

~

“He would got and get himself fucking arrested.” Millie mumbled grumpily, her arms crossed over her chest as she sat shotgun with Sam behind the wheel. “I try so hard to keep that boy out of trouble and what does he do?” Her hand lifted in dramatic gesture and Sam just grinned. Dean always brought a side out of Millie that was always amusing. The two of them fought like crazy but in the end, they’d punch each other, hug it out, and things would be just fine. Things hadn’t been that way in a long time. 

“I bet you a hundred bucks this guy cheated and that’s what drove this Constance chick to kill her kids.” Millie assumed as her elbow rested on the door of the Impala, her head rested on her fist. “It’s always the same old story. Man gets girl, man cheats on girl, someone gets killed.” Sam side eyed his sister with a raised brow and she caught the look from the corner of her eye. When her head turned to look at him, her face wrinkled. “What? Name a case of vengeful spirit that hasn’t involved the man being an asshole?” Sam’s eyes rolled, another faint grin pulling at his lips as he shook his head. 

“You’re just so cynical. Haven’t met the right guy.” He commented, eyes on the road. They had left Dean at the station while they went out to check on the ghost’s husband. At his words, Millie scoffed and shook her head, her attention turning back out the window without a word as they pulled down the country road. 

Millie allowed Sam to ask the questions. She was never the one for interrogation. She had always been sidelined, forced to do research or clean up instead of being on the field. Sam was good at it. He was charming and kind, very tactful and people seemed to respond well to him. He just had those puppy dog eyes that would make anyone just fall for him. She on the other hand, swore like a sailor and had the temper of a bobcat. She was not that outgoing or confident but she made up for it with sarcasm and bite. But when the man asked Sam to leave, and not in the nicest way possible, Millie couldn’t help but giggle a little as they pulled away. “You owe me a hundred bucks.” 

~

“My name?” Millie sniffled into the phone but quickly closed the phone before giving her answer. The phone was tossed between her and her brother on the bench seat of the Impala. “I thought I was done with fake calls to the police.” She grumbled as they drove down the dark road. Her hands combed through her tussled hair. The drive back into town should give her brother time to break himself out of the station. 

“You sure you want to stay with Dean after we find dad?” Sam questioned, a faint smirk curling the corner of his mouth. “You know they both get themselves into shit all of the time. Are you ready to bail their asses out?”

There was a silence as hazel eyes fell to her lap. She let out a sigh before looking out the window resting her head against her fist. Sam’s features fell and a hand reached out to pat her knee. Her own hand rested down on his but she still looked outside at the darkness. “After everything, after all this time. I miss them.” She didn’t say anything else but it spoke volumes to her baby brother. 

A comfortable silence fell after that until the shrill ring of Sam’s phone broke it. This caught Millie’s attention and she sat up in her seat and waited as Sam talked to their brother. A light chuckle escaped the youngest WInchester’s lips before he turned to look at his sister. “Dean says good job on the fake 911.” His attention was quickly snagged again by whatever Dean had to say and the smile that was on Millie’s face turned into a wrinkled brow of confusion. “He never goes anywhere without that thing.” Sam stated simply before a sigh left his lips. 

Sam didn’t even have to say anything for Millie to know that John wasn’t in Jericho. She couldn’t help but feel the sting of disappointment and the falling of her shoulders received a soft frown from her younger brother. In true Winchester fashion, she shrugged it off as if it was no big deal, as if she wasn’t feeling that familiar abandonment and hurt. They would take care of this Woman in White then they would be on their way. 

There was barely any injuries as they got Constance home to her drowned children. For their first case in a while, Sam and Millie seemed pretty darn proud of themselves. But unfortunately, it was time for the youngest Winchester to get back to Stanford. Nothing had been discussed about if Millie would stay with Dean or not. The silence in the car on the way back to the campus was deafening and heavy with tension. 

Every once in a while, Millie would catch Dean’s eyes in the rearview. She may have been away from her little brother for a while, but she could still read him like a book. There was sadness and fear etched into those emerald orbs of his and no matter how hard he tried to hide it with a smile, he wasn’t fooling anyone. She wanted to speak, wanted to assure him that everything would be ok, that they’d find dad, that Sam was happy, that she forgave him. But it was only a frown and puppy dog eyes that he received. She saw that glimmer of something in his eyes and in that silent conversation, there was so much portrayed that Millie felt lighter. 

“Hey, Sammy. We made a good team back there.” Dean called out to his brother through the window as the taller man stood at his full height in front of his sister. 

Sam smiled with a nod before looking at Millie. “Yeah, we did.” 

“Sure you don’t wanna come with me?” Dean questioned for probably the fourth time since they stopped. 

“Got that interview in the morning, Dean. I can’t miss it. Let me know if you find dad, alright?” A frown was etched on Dean’s face but he nodded at Sam’s words. Before Sam walked away, Dean’s attention turned to Millie. Another silent conversation passed between them and she heaved a sigh. Looking up at Sam’s puppy dog eyes, her hazel orbs grew misty. Sam simply smiled softly and wrapped his arms around her, placing a kiss into her hair. “I’ll see you soon, Blink.” She nodded against his chest and quickly pulled away to wipe her eyes before she truly started crying. With one last wave, Sam turned to walk away. 

Millie watched for a moment before opening the passenger door and climbing in. Seeing Dean’s face light up, it brought a smile to her face. It made her heart swell to think that her annoying little brother was so excited to have his big sister riding shotgun. Even though dad was missing and Sam was heading back to school, at least they had each other. But as they drove away in silence, something didn’t seem right. They didn’t quite feel complete without Sammy but that wasn’t it. 

“Dean, something’s wrong.” She stated with knit brow and Dean nodded in agreement. Nothing else was said before Dean turned the car around and headed back to the apartment. 

The sound of Sam’s screams was enough for Millie to dart into the apartment without ceremony. What she saw both terrified her and broke her heart. Jessica was pinned to the ceiling just like their mother had been. The oldest couldn’t help but stare for a moment before she latched onto Sam and tried to pull him out of the room. She was glad when Dean showed up to help get him out. 

Sam sat silent as Millie stood in front of him, wiping the drops of blood from his forehead. She tried to contain her own tears, loving Jessica almost like her own sister. She could only imagine the pain her brother was feeling. Soft touches against his skin seemed to be doing very little for him. He had always been comforted by Millie’s fingers through his hair or her tight hugs. But nothing would be able to heal his wounds right now. Dean could only watch his siblings in pain and guilt. 

When Sam’s jaw clenched and he stood to his feet, Millie jumped back in shock. The look in his eye scared her for a moment but she didn’t say anything as he moved to open the trunk. His shoulders straightened and he found a new resolve. “We’ve got work to do.”


	3. 30th Birthday Drabble

Millie’s 30th birthday was probably the worst she had ever experienced. Though she was glad to have survived this long, there was someone who didn’t get that privilege. She understood why he had sold his soul. If he didn’t do it, she would have done it for their baby brother. They had already lost dad not long ago. They were forced to watching Dean get ripped apart by hellhounds and now he was going through who knows what in Hell. She never would have imagined a few weeks later that she would be sitting in a pew on her birthday. 

Her birthday was in the middle of the hottest month of the year. Not only that, but she was also alone. Sam hadn’t taken Dean’s death well. His brother had sold his soul to save his life. It was understandable for him to be broken up about it. Sadly instead of reaching out to his sister for support, he went his own way, barely checking in with her. She had no idea what he was up to but she could guess. It was probably the same thing she was doing. Trying to find a way to bring their brother back. She hoped that the smartest Winchester had more luck than her. But she assumed he hadn’t found a way either because surely they would have found her by now if Dean was back. At least she would hope they’d come and get her. 

She wasn’t really hunting anymore. She picked up a part time job that she only worked when she wasn’t hitting the books or browsing the net for answers. Then she would grieve the loss of both her brothers by crying herself to sleep every night. She was supposed to be more than this. She was once a great hunter part of the greatest family of hunters. She was an awesome big sister and she had pretty good talent at singing and playing her guitar. And yet here she was, barely existing. She had no friends and never allowed anyone close enough to even try to be her friend. She was always either at the bar, work, or the dingy motel room which was only supposed to be temporary. But it was starting to seem more permanent. 

Everything in her was telling her to give up and let it go. But if it was her, her brothers wouldn’t ever give up so neither would she. No matter how much she lost hope, she had to hold on for the sake of her family. She would keep up with Bobby but other than that she didn’t really talk to anyone and just kept to herself. 

This was probably the first time she had stepped into a church for years. But it couldn’t hurt. She had tried everything else and she was starting to get desperate. She wasn’t sure she believed in a God that would hear her but she prayed to him anyway. She was lost without the boys and was willing to do anything to get them back. She knew that Sam was at least alive as much as he had tried not to be. But she would always be haunted by the thought of Dean in hell. It was possible for dad to crawl his way out of hell and he was now hopefully in a better place. She could hope that maybe Dean could do the same. He wouldn’t have to be alive just as long as he wasn’t suffering.

This church was much like all the others she had been to. Most people here didn’t even believe what they were taught and didn’t know what hunters like her family went through for them to live in their ignorance. These people wouldn’t give their lives for strangers. They all just cared about their own existence. Going to church wasn’t about faith. Humans were just creatures of habit and tradition. She almost felt dirty sitting in a meeting house of self righteous assholes but she wasn’t here for them. 

She barely even listen to what the preacher had to say. She was too busy staring at the cross at the front of the church lit up with spot lights. Stained glass cast a frame of sunlight around it. Jesus didn’t hang on this cross but his name came up plenty. Praying was always Sam’s thing so Millie didn’t even know where to start. Once the service was over, while everyone filed out she made her way to the front and dropped to her knees at the altar. She was already close to tears as she clasped her hands together and lifted her eyes toward the cross. 

Everyone else was getting out as soon as possible, wishing to get back to their lives. But one man had caught sight of her. He stared for a moment as he saw her lives move and her tears fall. His heart broke for her and after alerting his wife and daughter, he made his way toward her. Millie jumped slightly when a hand came to rest softly on her shoulder blades. Her head justted quickly to look up at the pair of bright blue eyes full of concern. With a wrinkle of her brow, she dropped her hands and began to push herself from the floor. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” Assuming that it was probably time for them to lock up. She muttered with trembling lip before wiping her eyes with the heel of her palms. 

She was met with a soft smile of sympathy on the man’s face as he shook his head. “Take as long as you need. I just thought you could use a friend.” He extended a hand. Confused for a moment, she looked at his hand before finally shaking it causing him to smile. “I’m Jimmy.” He had a nice smile. His lips were slightly chapped but his teeth were white and when he smiled it was with pink gums. 

“Millie.” Her timid nature took over once again as she tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. 

His head turned as he pointed a finger across the auditorium to a woman and a young girl. “That’s my wife, Amelia and my daughter, Claire.” His voice was calming and he spoke in hushed tones. “Would you like to join us for lunch?” 

This man had never seen her before in his life. He barely knew her name and yet here he was willing to take her into his home. Her face contorted even more with her misunderstanding. “Why?”

It was Jimmy’s turn to stare in confusion. “You seem troubled and I don’t want to leave you here by yourself. Amelia is a great cook but she always makes enough food to feed an army.” A soft chuckle bubbled from his lips, leaving a warm feeling in Millie’s chest. His head turned to look fondly over at his wife who was watching them closely. “It’s no trouble. Really. We’d love it if you joined us, Millie.” 

After a few more moments of contemplating his invitation, the eldest Winchester finally conceded. She had been alone for a while now and she did yearn for a hot homemade meal and a working air conditioner. And it was her birthday after all. Jimmy’s blue eyes twinkled when she nodded her head and he offered a hand to help her to her feet. She thanked him softly and followed him over to his family. His wife smiled and shook her hand and Claire offered a shy wave. “Thank you.” She repeated to the woman with sincerity. She felt that these people could truly be her friends.


	4. Chapter 4

“Daddy?” Millie’s eyes were wide as she stood frozen in place. Her hazel orbs began to get misty, her jaw slack due to her shock at seeing the man standing before them. Her brothers stood behind her, just as shocked as she was for a moment. They had searched for so long that having him stand before them now was almost surreal. 

Dean stepped slowly from behind her, the first to reach their father and bring him in for a hug. The sight made the tears finally escape from his older sister’s eyes. Once they broke apart, John’s attention turned to her. He wore a sad smile and his eyes seemed a little misty as well. She lept at the chance to throw herself into his arms and bury her face in his neck. Her tears soaked the collar of his shirt but she couldn’t care less. She clung to him for dear life and he buried his face in her hair. “My little girl.” He whispered as he kissed into her blonde locks. 

She finally pulled away with a tearful laugh, her hands lifting to wipe her eyes. They weren’t ones to get so emotional and she knew she would need to pull herself together. Just the sight of him had overwhelmed her and even with her training, she couldn’t help but fall apart for a moment. “It’s good to see you, dad.” She muttered as her eyes fell to the floor, Dean’s hand coming to rest against her back. She turned to look at her little brother who gestured toward Sam who now held John’s attention. 

The two didn’t hug at first like the older children but they drew closer as they talked. The last time they had seen each other, things hadn’t gone so well. Millie was almost afraid of what they might do now that they were reunited. But instead she was pleasantly surprised to see the two of them speaking. Tears were forming in Sam’s eyes now and Millie reached out a hand to interlace her fingers with his, giving them a comforting squeeze. The moment the men finally embraced, Millie let go and wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist, his arm bringing her tight against his side. Her family was all together again and even though they were bruised and bloodied from a fight, she couldn’t help but be happy. 

But just like every other moment in the Winchester’s lives, it was ripped away from them as John went flying backwards. The three Winchester siblings were thrown to the ground as John was dragged across the floor and pinned by the shadow. His yells of pain echoed against the empty walls as it began to tear into him. Millie shuffled across the floor, digging into the bag she had been carrying. “Sam!” She called before rolling something toward him. He quickly got the idea and tossed the bomb which immediately exploded into a blinding white light, sending the monster screeching. 

“Grab dad!” Dean called as he moved to help Millie to her feet. They helped hold each other up as they followed behind Sam who held John. They moved as quick as possible, moving down the stairs with grunts of pain and made their way to the Impala. A haze had set into the oldest Winchester’s mind as she moved to cling to her father. He winced but wrapped an arm around his girl’s shoulders. “He can’t go with us.” 

Both Millie and Sam gaped at their brother and even John seemed surprised. Even as Dean talked, explaining his case, it was clear that the other two Winchesters were going to fight him on this. “He’s right.” John finally piped in and Millie gaped at him. 

“No. Dad, we just found you, we just got back together. We can’t--” Millie could feel tears forming in her eyes as she pulled herself from her father’s side. 

“I’ll be fine. Just go with your brothers.” He looked down at her and could sense that she was about to fight him on this. “That’s an order.” He watched as Millie’s face wrinkled in defiance and she took a full step back away from him. “Millie.”

“Fuck you, dad.” Her voice was quiet and nearly trembled with the tears that now leaked down her face. She spun on her heels and walked around the car to climb in the backseat, crossing her arms in anger and focusing ahead. 

John sighed with a frown before looking between Sam and Dean. “Take care of your sister.” They both nodded and as much as Sam hated to see him go as well, he placed a hand on his shoulder before they said their goodbyes. 

More tears stained Millie’s cheeks as she watched her dad walk away from them and a part of her felt guilty for leaving things the way she did. Her lips trembled as she watched the older man’s shoulder slump, his pace slow and limping. Finally she couldn’t take it and as Sam and Dean climbed in the car she leapt out and ran. “Daddy!” She called out, John turning around just quick enough to see her running to him. Her arms flung around him and she clung to him for dear life as she cried into his neck. “I’m sorry.” 

A sad smile played on his lips as he held her tight. “Me too, baby girl.” Lips pressed into her hair as she quivered. 

When she pulled back to look up at him, he was almost worried by the resolve he saw in her gaze. “Take me with you.” It wasn’t a question or a request. For once it was her giving an order. John’s mouth opened to deny her but she quickly shook her head. “No excuses. I’m coming with you. The boys can take care of themselves. You need me. And don’t say you don’t because I’ve been taking care of your old ass since I was six and you wouldn’t be alive now if it wasn’t for me.”

He stared at her for a moment, a scoff of a laugh splitting his lips for a moment. He cast a look back at the boys who were watching them both carefully. With a sigh of defeat, he nodded his head and looked back down at her. She was smiling from ear to ear and nearly bounced as she hugged him again. “Go tell your brothers. And hurry up. We need to get the hell out of here.” She quickly nodded, falling serious once again before she ran toward the Impala. 

“Are you fucking serious?!” Dean was clearly angered by the change in plans as she leaned into the driver’s side window. A frown formed on her lips and Dean looked over at Sam who just shrugged his shoulders. “But what about us?” He asked with a huff as he turned his eyes toward his sister. 

Her features softened and she raised a hand to his cheek. “You don’t need me, Dean. We’ll see each other soon, okay? I promise.” She gave him a warm smile before looking to Sam. “You boys take care. Call me if you ever need anything.” She blew them both a kiss before she pulled her duffle back up her shoulder and stood up straight. She slapped the top of the Impala with a rueful smile. “Take care of my babies, Baby.” She then took off towards the truck, waving behind her as she cast one last glance at the frowning faces of her little brothers. 

John had struggled to climb into the big truck but he had managed it. He had watched the brief interaction of his children in the side mirror and his brow was wrinkled with his frown. He watched as his little girl made her way toward him and his head turned when the passenger door opened. The bag came flying in first before the petite blonde girl hoisted herself up and slid in after it. She wore a smile as she looked at him and closed the door before settling in. All he could see was his baby girl, barely old enough to take care of herself and now here she was a grown woman, joining her father in the family business. 

“So where to?” She asked as she beamed at him.


	5. Chapter 5

“$600….Six...hun-dred...dollars.” The three children all sat side by side at the end of the queen sized bed. Their heads were all hung in shame and little feet kicked back and forth as they squeezed each other’s hands. Their father stood before them staring at them in shock and anger as he held the motel bill. His breathing was uneven as he tried to even process the anger and surprise he was feeling. “How do you spend six hundred dollars on room service?” 

He of course looked to Millie for an explanation and even though her mouth opened to explain, she couldn’t find the words. The eleven year old was always the one to get them out of the mischief that she helped them cause. Being the oldest, she was supposed to keep the boys in line, watch out for them and keep them out of trouble. Instead, she was always an accomplice much to John’s dismay. She looked between her brothers, both of them giving her those sad apologetic puppy dog eyes and she frowned. Her shoulders slumped as she let out a sigh of defeat. “It’s all my fault, daddy. I didn’t pay attention.”

The boys both hopped to their feet, dropping her hands and standing as tall as they could before their father. They raised their heads talking in unison, explaining how it was there fault, how they had been reckless and stupid. Telling John that they were the ones that needed to be punished and not their sister. They rambled and flailed as they both talked with great animation and Millie couldn’t help but giggle at them. John tried to keep up with what the two of them were saying but shaking his head, he eventually gave up. “Ok, stop!” 

Three sets of eyes shot up to their dad and mouths closed tight. Millie stood to her feet, still taller than her brothers for now, and set a hand on each of their shoulders. She straightened herself and took a step boldly toward her father. She was willing to accept whatever punishment the patriarch decided to bestow and even though her brothers continued to protest, giving them a hard gaze over her shoulder made them acquiesce. “I’m sorry, daddy.” She looked up at her father, her eyes misty from unshed tears of shame and apology with a hint of fear. She never stopped to think about it but just like her brothers, she had the power to break a heart just with a simple look. 

John sighed, his eyes closing as he slowly shook his head. After a moment of silence, Millie became nervous as she watched him and waited for whatever her father’s anger would lead to. But instead, when John’s eyes opened, they were softer and he came down to crouch before her. His hands gripped her upper arms gently as his hazel eyes locked with hers. The crooked smile on his face made Millie relax in his grasp. “Good thing old Mr. Harrisburg is the one paying for it.” 

The oldest Winchester child giggled and threw her arms around her father’s neck. Relief washed over her as she hugged him tight, burying her face into his neck and overwhelming her senses with the scent of gunpowder and his old leather jacket. He hugged her tenderly before pulling back to kiss her forehead. “Let’s just try and keep your spending down, huh?” 

She nodded her head before turning around to look at her brothers. She put on her sternest face and rested her fist on her hips. “You heard him, boys!” She shook a finger in their face as her forehead wrinkled, her voice dropping to try and mimic her father. “No more spending lots of someone else’s money.” They both looked at her before looking at each other. A wicked grin spread across both their faces and Millie became suddenly worried at this silent communication. She let out a squeal when they both lunged at her, causing the blonde to dart around the room while they both chased her. They were all laughs and giggles as they ran around furniture and jumped on the beds, John trying to stay out of the way and avoid them as they ran around him. All the while, he wore a bright smile. His children were the only good thing in his life. And it was times like this that reminded him why he kept fighting.


	6. Chapter 6

She could remember when Halloween was just fun, dressing up and taking candy from the neighbors. Mom would always have to keep dad from eating all hers and Dean’s candy and then have to tell the two youngsters not to eat too much or they’d get a belly ache. They would always end up with a belly ache. But she had logged those all away as good memories, ones she’d go back to from time to time, ones she’d cling to when other memories faded. Those were when times were happy and simple, when monsters weren’t real, just kids with masks. Instead of holding her in his arms when a monster scared her, now he handed her a gun and told her to shoot them. 

Dean didn’t remember mom like Millie did. Maybe he was still too young to remember every little detail. She wasn’t much older but for some reason she was old enough to feel the loss more than anyone. The eldest Winchester missed her mother every day, visiting her grave on her birthday, calling her dad on the anniversary of her death. The only other person that truly felt the grief and the pain were Millie and her father, the one thing they had in common and the one thing that kept them close. 

But where her dad was fueled by vengeance and rage, Millie strived on with silence and compassion. She became the mother to the boys, mimicking the best mother she had ever known. She became a caretaker to her father, cooking and cleaning and putting the old man to bed, all things a young girl should never have to deal with. But she never said a word, never complained or backtalked. She did her duty with a servant's heart and carried on the job she believed she was meant to do. Care for the Winchester men. 

Halloween was no longer silly costumes and popcorn balls from annoying neighbors. Now it was just another day, another day of hunting and killing monsters, travelling in that old hunk of junk that was more their home than anything. There were no costumes, no parties, no trick or treating. There was for sure drinking and Dean always brought the candy but it just wasn’t the holiday she remembered from when she was a kid. 

Holidays were always hard. Didn’t matter what the holiday, they all sucked. She wanted nothing more than a normal life in a normal house. She wanted her brothers to go to normal halloween parties or actually go trick or treating. She wanted to watch her brothers grow up and grow up with them. Not be the one who has to make sure they grow up right. Because she was more their mother than their sister, she wasn’t as close to them as Sam and Dean were to each other.

She had gotten in trouble the one time she tried to take the boys around the neighborhood for trick or treating, her dad telling her it was too dangerous for kids to be out and about on All Hallow’s Eve. Sam had thanked her for trying and Dean had snuck out and gathered a bunch of candy for them anyway. So they all just watched scary movies and ate until their bellies hurt. Another memory Millie had logged away in the good category. Now that her brothers were grown, two strong heroes saving the world, she missed the days when she could hold them in her arms. 

Halloween traditions differ all over the world, different nations holding different celebrations, different families following different culture and religion. But the one tradition that the Winchesters held to every year, no matter what, they had to be together, reliving that night so many years ago. Curled up together on the floor, watching scary movies and eating candy until their bellies hurt. And it’s the best memories Millie has in her collection.


	7. In My Time of Dying

“At least let me say goodbye.” John was tough as nails but this was one of the hardest things he’d ever have to do. 

“Of course, I’m nothing but a family man.” John’s lips curled in a snarl when the yellow eyed bastard dared to smirk at him. 

Exhaling, the worn hunter handed over the colt with a nod before taking the trip back upstairs. He felt like a man on death row, taking his final steps to the electric chair. He was a dead man walking and the weight of his imminent demise was heavy and causing his steps to be much slower than they should have been. 

Millie was sitting on the hospital bed next to her little brother, his hand in both of hers. She wore a brilliant smile, her joy at having her little brother alive more important than anything else. She wasn’t questioning it like her brothers were. It was moments like this that she looked so much like her mother and it made John’s heart ache even more. Sam stood by the bed, his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his hair flopping about as he spoke to his older siblings. 

The room was silenced the moment Dean caught sight of his father. All smiles faded as each head turned. The tension took over quickly and Millie was to her feet within a blink. Dean still held her hand, squeezing in an attempt to hold her back. He knew what she wanted to say and right now they didn’t need any of it. Sam on the other hand, he wasn’t able to stop and the youngest Winchester was the first to step towards John. 

This would be another round of head butting and yelling. But even though Sam was heated and wished to go rounds, John shut him down, almost teary eyed as he asked for peace. His voice was almost pleading, begging for this moment to be father and son not a couple of enemies. Something wasn’t right though and Dean couldn’t put his finger on it but something was up. Sam caught on quick as well, calming down and leaving when he was asked to go get coffee. It amazed Millie just how easily Sam gave in. When John asked to speak to Dean alone, Millie just drew closer to her little brother. 

“It’s okay, Mills.” She looked down at him, the Winchester puppy dog eyes doing her in. She conceded with a sigh. 

“I’ll just be in dad’s room.” She nodded to both of them then left. She couldn’t hear what they were talking about or what he could have to say to Dean that Millie and Sam couldn’t hear. They were a family unit. She thought her and John had grown closer in the few weeks they were together without the boys but it was clear now who was still dad’s favorite. 

She sat on John’s bed, kicking her feet like a child since unlike her brother, she had short legs that couldn’t touch the floor. She wasn’t left alone for long, John stepping in silently. Now Millie was going to have her say. She had every intent to get mad and let that anger power her on and give her the strength to stand up to him for once. 

“You know, I’ve followed your orders my whole life.” She started, raising her hand to silence him when he opened his mouth to interject. “I have been silent, knew my place. I’ve taken care of all of you and not once did you hear me complain. No matter how much I wanted to or how bad I wanted to just leave. But I never gave up on my family because you guys are all I have left.” 

John stood and remained quiet, frowning as he allowed her to carry on with her condemnation. Not like he didn’t deserve it. “For too long, I’ve let you carry on this vendetta to get yellow eyes and I get it but your obsession nearly got the whole family killed. You may have a death wish but I can’t live without any of you.” She was crying at this point, her emotions no longer anger fueled and full of distaste but drowning in fear and love for her family. 

“I miss mom too but dammit dad, you have us! You’ve always had us and we need you. We need a father! Getting the demon doesn’t bring mom back but it does threaten the people you have left. All of us would give our lives for you and all we want is for you to love us! We want to be enough for you to live for.” She was sobbing now, her fingers curled into the collar of his shirt. 

Tears slid down John’s cheeks and he smiled ruefully as he brought his good hand to her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” Her eyes lifted, puffy and wet. “You deserve so much better. I am SO proud of you, baby girl.” 

Her lip quivered at his words and looking in his eyes, she saw only genuine love. It was then that she felt it. “Daddy, what’s wrong?” 

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tightly to his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and clung to him like her life depended on it. He placed a soft kiss into her hair. “I love you, Millie Anne.” She felt his body shiver with sobs of his own and she began to panic.

“I love you too, dad. What’s going on?” She asked her question as she pulled back enough to look up at him. 

“You take care of those boys, you hear? You’re the only one that can keep them in line.” She continued to search his gaze.

“Of course, daddy. Always. It’s my job to watch out for all three of you.” She emphasized the three of them seeing as he only mentioned her caring for the boys. She tried to smile but it was hard when her heart ached as if she was about to say goodbye. He nodded but didn’t say anything and her fingers clenched. “Dad?”

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. One minute, he stood with his arm around her, eyes misty and cheeks stained with tears even though he wore a warm smile. He was the strong and courageous superhero she always believed him to be. And the next minute, his body went lax and all life drained from his eyes. The two of them fell slowly and the ringing in her ears drowned out the sounds of her screams. She did her best to catch the older man but it wasn’t without her own injury. She was still screaming as she held her father’s head in her hands, rocking as she completely fell apart. She was a mess by the time Sam showed up and everything after that was just black. 

They said it was a heart attack, something that was common in men his age, especially after a trauma like a bad car accident. But they all knew. The death certificate would say COD:heart attack but it would leave out the part about how it was because of a demon deal. She understood why he would do it, hell, she would have done it if given the opportunity. She just didn’t understand why he didn’t tell them, why he didn’t talk it over with them first so he wouldn’t be in this alone. They got to keep Dean but they lost their father to the one monster he had been fighting their whole life. 

The hospital handed over files and records, personal effects and the body. He didn’t leave behind much but what he did leave behind, his children, were shattered. The fact that the colt was missing didn’t go unnoticed either. They gave the man a proper hunter’s funeral and they all stood in silence as the flames lapped at the white sheet that was wrapped around his corpse. Millie’s hatred toward the yellow eyed son of a bitch grew and a part of her wanted to hate John for giving into the enemy. A part of her wanted to hate Dean, the one who got to live when her father did not. But her heart wouldn’t let her blame her family, wouldn’t let her hate the people she loved the most. 

For a while, she couldn’t even speak, couldn’t even cry anymore. She needed her brothers more than ever and yet she couldn’t bring herself to reach out. She saw how broken the two for them were, though neither would admit it. So as always, Millie put on the mask and decided she had to be the strong one to help put her family back together. Life doesn’t stop for anyone and so she didn’t allow her grief to overtake her. 

Sitting in the back of the impala, they set out for a new job, a hunter’s work never done. She stared out the window, her expression was blank and her breathing slow and shallow, leaving condensation on the glass. Sam turned slightly to look at her with a frown. “Stop, Sam.” She stated in a bold whisper. Sam’s mouth opened to retort but stopped when her cold hazel hues shot around to meet his. “I don’t wanna talk about it, ok? Please just stop looking at me like that.” Sam simply nodded and shifted in the front seat. 

Before she turned back to the window, Dean caught her gaze in the rearview. She saw the same look of guilt and pain, regret and fear in his eyes that she knew was reflection in her own. She sighed and looked away before her emotions would overflow. Dean hadn’t talked about his last conversation with John and neither had she. A part of them died with John that day and they left a piece of themselves in that bonfire with him. The family was missing an important piece that would never return and the wound would never truly heal.


End file.
